Old theory: we don't fall in love with another person, we fall in love with the particular parts of ourselves that come out around the beloved.
New theory: if those parts are in me, I have access to them any time. I am my own "better half," my own split-apart.
Today, I'm saying yes to accessing several characteristics/
qualities/states of being that I somehow thought were born/re-born in X-man's presence:
unparalleled joy in my heart and body
more active social advocacy
a return to public displays of dancing!
Joy: There's a tenor to shared joy that I'd like to tap into while on my own. I find glimpses of it running along Bear Creek or down through the redwoods towards a mountain lake, stalks of purple flowers lining the path, strange July snow on the peaks in the distance. My heart fills with the present moment, grateful in much the same way I was with him. I want to bloom and grow it--make it bigger, a bread, yeasty and rising on my kitchen table, the sun gleaming through the window making everything glow.
Advocacy: Today, I watched "Under Our Skin," a documentary on Lyme disease and the politics surrounding it and the individuals affected by it. Politics and stigma of Lyme, as well as AIDS, is lifting me up to become an advocate for awareness and change in policy-making and public perception of these diseases. I'm just now learning about Lyme disease, and I've watched misinformation, fear, politics, and stigma create lack of treatment for AIDS for too long. Honestly, I do not know where to start except to invite others to watch "Under Our Skin." However, I now declare to raise awareness one person at a time, and to try to discover what other actions I can take to help improve public opinion and government support of these diseases and the individuals who suffer from them.
Veganism: If I want to go on what, to many, may seem like an extreme diet--especially living in the Central Valley where there are no vegan restaurants--I can do it, even without the support of a partner. I've done it before with no support--spending months on raw food while living with a total carnivore. I already have two people ready to join me for a monthly raw vegan potluck. "If you build it, they will come." I live in a region rich with almond and fruit orchards, and organic farms. I can grow a garden in my own backyard. I can do it day by day.
Public displays of dancing: This from a woman who was stopped by the police for dancing with friends in the middle of the street to music blaring from a car stereo. (Small town, after midnight.) Also, I was bopping to some live music at a subway station in New York City when young man swooped me up and danced salsa with me. If I have no dance partner, the dance must go on. I pledge to dance on streets, in my living room, in clubs, down grocery store aisles, at the gym in Zumba class, in parking lots, in classrooms, in cars. Dance, and the stars, the blue sky, and sometimes, a human partner, will dance along.
"Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music." --William Stafford
"Please send me your last pair of shoes, worn out with dancing as you mentioned in your letter, so that I might have something to press against my heart." --Goethe
"Dancers are the messengers of the gods." --Martha Graham