Monday, July 4, 2011

Nooks and Crannies

The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind. ~William Blake

Today, I'm pondering what I can say yes to. I'm thinking it might be good to say no to the party where the recently former guy's going to be, even though, "Those are MY friends! I introduced them!" I'm trying to figure out which action in this case leads with stubborn pride. So, I make a pro and con list about going to the party:


1. I already told Bianca I'd take her, so I could follow through on my integrity and be trustworthy and honorable with a friend (unlike what this guy did with me!)

2. Tons of food, so I don't have to think about feeding myself today.

3. Maybe be able to flirt shamelessly with someone else at the party in front of J.

4. Connect with people at party so I feel less alone through my heartbreak.


1. Seeing J. work the crowd, imagining him telling more lies to more people, and spreading his evil.

2. Seeing J. flirt shamelessly with all the women there.

3. Seeing J. and having that sick feeling that even though I know he's a BFL (big fat liar), I still want him back.

4. All that patriotic nonsense I'm not very into.

5. Lots of red and blue together=hurts my eyes.

6. That uncomfortable wallflower feeling I feel at parties.

Okay, now I know what part of me I need to be willing to give up. I'm still attached to this painful junior high notion that I'm a wallflower! Any outside observer would see ME working the crowd, seeming graceful. I'm willing, today, to give up completely all the little dark corners of my person that are holding on to this feeling of wallflowerness. I picture this as if there are nooks and crannies throughout my body, each with a spider web and a big fat black spider hiding there. Right now, I'm going through those nooks with a feather duster and a handvac, clearing out the dark places, hanging little paper party lanterns in there, and switching on the light, turning on the dance music.

I'm saying yes to integrity (taking my friend to the party), I'm saying yes to letting my light shine at the party, and I'm saying yes to letting myself duck out after two hours if he's there--or if I'm simply bored! I'm figuring out where the big fireworks will be within an hour drive of here. Oh! And I'm saying yes to red and blue (I have an outfit picked out). And I'm saying yes to Independence! Who drove up by herself to jump out of an airplane? And I'm saying yes to the U.S.A.--I'm so glad that I live in a country where I don't have submit an application if I want to move to a different part of it. I'm thrilled, against my parents' upbringing of me, that I live in a country where the military aren't the only folk who can shoot guns. Oh! I'm saying yes to going to the Gunrunner Club down the street this week and shooting--something I've been wanting to do but have been afraid what others would think. And I'm also saying yes to scheduling in some housecleaning, both scrubbing out more nooks and crannies within me, and mopping, dusting, and straightening the house where I live. I'm saying yes to growing the parts of me I've defined beyond my upbringing, where I was labeled the slob of the family, and where we discounted the right to bear arms.

I'm not buying a personal firearm or joining the NRA--but if I'm willing to be fully changed, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

1 comment:

  1. You are so not a wallflower; you are a magnet. xo ~H